Archive #8  9/02/04 - 11/16/04


11/16/0$

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

11/15/04
Happy birthday to my buddy Shawn.  Even though you're a dad, and a year older, you're still super immature (and what's cool, is I know you'll take that as a compliment).
5-4

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

11/13/04
The Vans skate park in Milpitas closed its doors for good today.  Here's a good photo of me that my pal Shawn took on the last day.
Goodbye Vans.  The boys came too.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

11/10/04
While driving the other day I looked in my rear view mirror, and thought, "OH MY GOD IT'S HITLER!!!"  Well, it turned out that it wasn't Hitler I saw, but rather the grill of a BMW.  Have you noticed how similar the BMW grill is to Hitler's mustache?  No?  Well allow me to show you exhibit A.

Some other undeniable evidence:
Hitler German, BMW German.  Hitler while being really fast, didn't handle too well, so the analogy sort of falls apart there, but you can't deny the physical evidence...can you?

If you got to my site by searching on Hitler looking for information on him for a school project, I can help.

Start your paper with:

"Adolf Hitler was a real fucking dick."

Now go to the library, the internet is useless.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

11/08/04
I am completely frustrated, and disgusted, and fed up with a certain troglodyte at my work who refuses to use a urinal when taking a piss, but would rather hide in a stall, and piss ALL OVER THE SEATS.  Everyday before I can take care of business I have to clean up after this vile excuse for a human.  WHY NOT USE A URINAL?!...And if there is a valid reason why you would use a stall instead of a urinal, WHY WOULDN'T YOU LIFT THE SEAT.  DAMN!!!!!  I feel like such a chick.
5-3

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

11/03/04
So Bush was reelected.

What a complete burn on that George Soros guy who spent 26 million of his own dollars trying to get Bush out of office.  I'd say more than Kerry, Soros was the big loser yesterday.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

11/02/04
This morning I had the toughest time deciding what to eat for breakfast.  My choices were moldy dog crap with a side of phlegm, or Warm vomit sprinkled with scabs.   Oh wow, it's election day, what a coincidence.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

11/01/04
The acronym for Weapon of Mass Destruction as we all know is WMD, but you know what is beginning to drive me crazy?...when people pluralize it as WMDs.  WMDs??!!  What the hell does that stand for,

Weapon of Mass Destructions? 

Stupid.  Shouldn't it be WsMD?
5-2
Game 7 for the Vikes last year was the turning point in their season (where it turned to shit).  So this year in game 7, once again, playing the Giants, the Vikings completely fell apart.  Hopefully this doesn't send them into a tailspin like last year.  I'm really starting to hate the giants (more than I used to).

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

10/27/04
Next time you meet an animal rights activist (the real nutty kind), talk to them a while, and lure them into vomiting some of their dogma which will undoubtedly contain arguments about infringing upon a creature's undeniable right to life.  Now, QUICK, ask their opinion on abortion.  Ouch.  I loathe hypocrites even more than I loathe zealots....and I hate them a lot.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

10/25/04
5-1

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

10/22/04

10/18/04
We all know how effective certain companies are at marketing their products to the young, example.  My 2 year old said, "I love Old McDonald's, we go there!" after seeing a McDonald's commercial.  We don't even eat at McDonalds, but commercials have convinced this 2 year old that he loves the place.

Of course it's obvious that McDonalds is targeting kids, they have cartoons, and clowns, so it's no surprise that kids want to go there.  What is surprising however, is that yesterday my 5 year old, in all seriousness said to me, "Dad, next time you and mom buy a car, I think you should go to Vehix.com."  Now that is some effective marketing, because I do almost everything my 5 year old tells me to.
4-1

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



10/14/04
On my 'contact' page I have facetiously listed a few things I am available for hire as; one of them being a 'Thong Model'.  That being said, recently my site has been getting a number of hits from...

This Site (Exotic Thong Models).  tomledin.com is listed as the second site down.  So far I have not been contacted to actually model a thong, but I am sitting with fingers crossed by the phone....in a purple sequined thong...waiting...., and waiting.

The internet is full of perverts, nerds, and Viagra salesmen.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
10/10/04
3-1

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


10/07/04
Shawn and Erin had their baby!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

10/06/04
A few things today.

1) My best pal from high school Shawn, and his lovely wife Erin are going to the hospital today to have a baby.  Awesome.  Good luck guys.

2) I had a Budweiser a few weeks ago, and reading the can I noticed the stupidest thing ever.  Hidden in the midst of all the beer propaganda on the can was one choice morsel that cracked me up.  It said:
"Beer as nature intended" Huh?!

So how drunk do you think the marketing department was when they came up with that one??!  That's like saying, 'Lasagna as nature intended'.  Nature NEVER intended Water, hops, barley, yeast, (and in Macro Brews like Bud, rice, corn, and other crap) to come together in a perfect combination.  Nature intended beer like it intended the Ford Pinto.

Now, I don't deny that nature, without human intervention will produce fermented alcoholic liquids, but I don't think nature ever bottled it.  If nature did in fact intend beer, I think the brew process would have gone something like this:
A beehive drips honey into a puddle of muddy water, then some wild yeast drops in, and begins eating the sugar in the honey, and converting it to alcohol.  Yummy.  It could happen, but that's not even beer, that's mead.

I read the can over and over again over the next week or so as I polished off that 12 pack, and every time it cracked me up.  Fast forward a week or two, I'm in the grocery store, and decide to pick up some Bud so I can get a close-up photo of the can to post here.  I get home, get my camera, and lo and behold, "Beer as Nature Intended" is no longer on the can!  What the hell?  Did they sober up that fast?  Was it meant as a joke?  Did I imagine it?  Maybe it was a dream, or a conspiracy, or aliens?!

3) I can't remember what #3 was.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

10/05/04
Rodney Dangerfield died. 
Shine on Rodney.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

10/01/04
A couple funny things. 

This morning I pulled into the parking garage at work and saw people having sex in their car.  I saw a lot of movement, and I thought it was some big weird dog jumping around, so I took off my sunglasses, put on my regular glasses, and was like, 'Holy shit, that dog is two people doin' it!

Yesterday I was sitting in Great Clips getting my haircut, and the  lady cutting hair next to me finished with one customer, and went and got the next.  As the guy sat down, she asked,
"How are you today?",
"Great." he answered. 
She followed up with, "So did you work today?"
"Yes, I just got off, how about you?" he asked the lady who was about to cut his hair...for money...at her place of employment... 

I looked over at the guy, and he still hadn't realized he had said something retarded.  She barely spoke English, but she understood that he was an idiot, and I could see the gears spinning in her head trying to come up with an answer that would not embarrass him, and jeopardize her tip. 
"Well, I didn't have a day off today." She said. A brilliant response.  He just nodded, and never appeared even remotely aware that he was the dumbest person in the room.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/28/04
My ankle still hurts a lot (from sprain 23 days ago).  I used to heal fast, but now I heal like I do yard work...I take a long time, and produce less than stellar results.  I should fire myself, and have my kids heal for me.  They can dive head first into concrete, cry for a minute, and have the grapefruit sized scabby bloody knot on the forehead be healed by the next day...it's entirely possible that they are mutants.
2-1

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/23/04
It's hard coming up with things to say here that won't bore you, the intrepid seeker of...that which you seek on the internet, to death.  However, I have nothing to say on this Thursday other than that Survivor is on tonight, and that is good.

I will leave you with this tiny morsel though:

To pluralize the word 'Vagina' you do not simply ad an 's'.  No, no, no...'vaginas' will simply not work at all.

The Plural of 'Vagina' is
Vaginae

Pronounced: Vuh jynie


Greatest word EVER!


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/21/04
1-1

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/17/04
You know what bugs the shit out of me (beside all those thousands of other things)?  Idiots with really opinionated bumper stickers TAPED on the inside of their car windows.  Have some conviction in your stupid-ass opinions you schmuck!  If you really believe that "Bush = Hitler", then stick it on your bumper! 

The worst are the environmentalists.  "No offshore drilling", yeah buddy, you're not selling me with the feeble taped on sticker.  I see what's going on with your pseudo-neo-green-trying-to-get-laid-by-acting-like-an-environmetalist trickery!  You taped that sticker on your car so it would be easier to sell when you upgrade to a brand new gas guzzling SUV after you realize the green chicks aren't buying your lame attempt at getting bush (green chicks are notorious for their huge bush (hating attitudes)).

And for the love of God, if your kid made the honor roll, stick it on your bumper!!!  Some day you'll be looking through his old school things, and see that sticker, and think, 'Wow, he made the honor roll once', then you'll look over at the couch and see your 37-year-old-Star-Wars-figure-collecting-moron of a child, and say, "Man I should have stuck this on the car."  because little did you know, 6th grade honor roll was his greatest achievement.  Well that, and scoring the Han Solo with the brown boots instead of black....they only made a thousand of those!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/14/04
Something most people without kids have probably never considered is how difficult it is to teach somebody else how to wipe their butt. It's like teaching somebody to drive. Sure they may understand the mechanics of it, and have an idea of what is supposed to happen, but practice is the only way to get good at it, and while not being good at wiping isn't as serious as not being good at driving, it is still a huge bummer.

There is a fine line with teaching the butt wipe as a parent. On one hand you want the child to learn how to do it, so you encourage them to practice, and on the other hand, you want to help, so they can avoid the dreaded smear campaign.

Thing 1 is 95% there. He can do everything himself, and has become a skilled wiper. He  does experience the occasional lapse.  Like the new driver who reaches down to get a CD off the floor while doing 60 miles per hour on an off ramp, he occasionally pulls a nice skid... up his back….eww.

So, to the new parents out there, and parents getting ready to move their children out of diapers, heed my warning, it can get pretty ugly.


*Update*: Since writing this (about 4 days ago) Thing 1 has become an expert wiper. Something just clicked, and we are so HAPPY, especially now that Thing 2 is showing some serious interest in using the 'big boy potty'…I can see light at the end of the tunnel (that's not a poop reference).

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/13/04
Thing 1 started Kindergarten today.  He is at the same school he went to last year, he's got a bunch of buddies in his class from last year, and he has one of the teachers he had last year, so it was no big deal to him, which is perfect.

Tuition:
$9,000

Books/supplies:
$300

After school care
and summer camp:
$2,000

Spending your child's
college savings on
Kindergarten:
Priceless
 
 
1-0
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/10/04
Office bathroom peeve #72

In my office we have security cards, and badges with our pictures on them. That being said, I HATE it when the schmoe in the stall next to me has his pants around his ankles, badge attached to his belt, and I can clearly see this idiot's mug shot smiling at me from under the stall. I hear him over there grunting and groaning, farting, splashing around, and mumbling words of encouragement to his bowels, and now I am unfortunately able to put a face with the horror show that's going on next door.

I am so tempted to say something to these guys, but I wouldn't know where to start. Perhaps a simple, "Ted, I know it's you over there... ya think you could take it down a notch? ...people are trying to shit in here!!"

Maybe I could suggest a mandatory 'Bathroom etiquette' class to HR.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/08/04
New image added to the gallery. Check it out if you'd like.
Note: I made this image while loopy on pain medication...and that fact should be very apparent.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/07/04
Happy Birthday to my beautiful wife Deniece!!!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/05/04
My brother broke his elbow skateboarding yesterday.  I sprained my ankle today skateboarding.  My parents are very proud.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/03/04
The hostage standoff in the Russian middle school has ended.  I don't think any rational person figured it would end well, and it didn't.

I can't fathom the depths of evil some men sink to.  An eternity of the most awful torture is too good for anyone who would hurt children. 
I hate people.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

9/02/04
Some people are very stupid.  For example, we took the boys to get HAIRcuts, and the lady who did the cuts...and cuts HAIR for a living..at a hair place FOR CHILDREN, got confused, and must have thought we said 'ear', and not hair.  She cut Thing 2's ear really bad.  Poor guy  Here's a pic.

These pictures are after two days of healing it was a lot more gruesome.

Tomayto
Tomahto
Potayto
Potahto
Haircut
Earcut